Honouring my body and movement
For years I worked out because it felt like I “had to”. I needed to in order to keep up with sports, or to have a specific body, or thinking I was being “healthy”. But I had pain, I had body dysmorphia, and I had an unhealthy respect for myself and my body.
When I went to college to become an RMT I learned an immense amount about my physical body. The anatomy and physiology is incredible and fascinating, but what I realized was it still does not guide you on how to connect and how or work FOR your own body. Anatomy and physiology can help you get there, but it does not give you the tools to look inward and love your body and give your individual body what it needs.
I used to run long distance, do yoga and occasionally lift weights. But my hip pain continued, and at one point while training for a half marathon I injured and irritated my hip so badly I could not walk. Luckily this didn't last too long, but I continued to push through as much training as I could instead of honouring my body and taking it as a sign that I needed something different.
At times, the way you move isn’t always what could be best for your body.
After I trained and completed three half marathons, and I recovered from the most debilitating hip pain I experienced, I decided perhaps running long distance wasn’t my best role to play. I have a scoliosis in my spine that is congenital, and so it's not changing, and I did not want to continue living in constant pain and discomfort. So I leaned further into yoga.
Yoga started to teach me to look more inwards. To continue to settle into my own body and search for something more. Yoga and breathwork encouraged me to turn towards myself, my own needs, wants, and desires, and showed me how to listen to my body. Not to listen to my brain entirely, but to connect to the feelings, to settle into my own being and my own body.
When I started this practice of sinking deeper into my body, it was challenging to listen and feel. All the old tensions or narratives showed up- the “i’m not good enough” or just the everyday thoughts of building a grocery list instead of relating to my own body. But as I started to push through these barriers, it became easier. I was able to more easily relax my body, more able to sink through the surface, getting deeper and into my own body, into my own heart. And as I progressed, I started to notice the parts of me that were hurt or not attended to. My body began to unravel itself as I continued to feel deeper. With this unraveling, it became more clear what my body wanted. When I did go running, or do yoga, or to the gym, I was further connected. I began to connect the dots of how my body liked to move. I noticed what felt best, what was working and what was causing pain.
For me, this meant more weight lifting. My body was thriving by building strength, and doing occasional conditioning workouts. I turned my yoga practice into more of a mobility and movement practice, listening deeper and moving with more intention.
As I got more comfortable sinking and listening to my body, movement was no longer a chore, it became a way of turning towards myself, a way of nourishment not punishment. I was no longer grinding through a run in pain, I was moving comfortably with purpose, focus, and most importantly love.
I continue to bring more intention into my “workouts” and just general movements. This allows me to continue to connect with my body and move from a place of abundance. No more battling through and hating my body. I have been able to release and relax into my own being. To respect my body for where it is that day, and moment, so I can push when it feels good and rest or replenish when it feels depleted.
To get into this practice and way of movement took years. But the main source was my ability to re-connect within my own body. As I mentioned earlier this started mostly with yoga in the beginning. And then I progressed this yogic practice through breath, intention, and mindfulness.
Breath served as my starting point, my inner guide to connect to my own body and focus on letting the outer world melt away. Intention helped remind me why I was moving and brought me back to how to move and what I was moving for. Mindfulness made me further recognize how and why I was connecting to myself and my own body, and allowed me to sink deeper to help heal the places within.
If you have pain, or are not feeling motivated or connected to your body in your workouts, I would encourage you to try to connect and show up to your movement from a place of love and intention. This can start with just a few deeper, fuller breaths before going into a workout. Or thinking about or writing down an affirmation or intention to bring with you or remind yourself of throughout a workout. Something that comes from a place of loving kindness. For example: “I am grateful for my strength, no matter what weights I am lifting”; or “I will complete what feels good for my body, push when I can and rest when I need”.
Moving towards yourself, your body and your feelings can be alarming and even scary at times. But you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out if you ever need some love or guidance, or want to embark on a journey of embodying yourself with less pain.
Xo, Amanda