Healing
How do we know we’ve healed?
This is a huge question for me, one I have asked myself and get asked by patients. Throughout my life I have struggled with disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and other mental health issues. I have also experienced persistent back pain, and hip pain that have prevented me from doing the things I love like running, yoga, and weight lifting. In my experience, when we are in pain, or in struggle, there is a part of us that has to surrender or accept what is happening, has to ground down and in and just endure as the waves wash over you. Then there's this other part where you get up and begin again. Reach into your tool box of life, reach out to those who love and support you, and continue to do your best at that time. After I have waned through these phases, and the many other feelings or experiences that may come along the way, I often think, “have I healed from that? Will I feel this again in my life?”. And I honestly don’t have to answer to this question, and I am not sure that any one individual does. But what I do know, is that life changes, and if you are paying attention, you too can change. You can change your reactions, your thoughts, and maybe sometimes your outcomes.
Am I saying that we can undo a mental health diagnosis? No, mental health is something to be taken with the utmost care and if you or someone you know is struggling, then you should reach out to those you trust, or a health professional to help you get the care you need. But I do believe we can move through and past those times of hardship, with enough help and giving ourselves the tools and grace and space to do so.
When I am in the thick of things it feels grey, there’s no colour, and life feels so much harder. Harder to think, harder to breath, harder to accomplish, just an uphill battle. I want to control my body, control my life and nothing feels good enough. And when I am not in the middle of that, the world is just well, more normal. I can go to work and talk to people and make dinner and not feel like things are crumbling or that I am the worst mom ever. I feel a little more grounded, and more myself. Navigating those grey days, or harder times with pain has become a practice in my life. I have cultivated some self-care practices that help me sustain myself through the hard times, and I find bring ease to my life as a whole.
These practices include but are not limited to: meditation, yoga, exercise, never restricting my diet, talk therapy, setting boundaries, not committing to all things, and creating relationships that I can be open and honest in. I won’t go into all the details of these things, perhaps on another day, but I can say that these are just some of the ingredients for a recipe for more success in my life. Which brings me back to that question of, will I heal from this? My struggles with mental health, and pain within my body has forced me to learn more about myself and my own needs. It has challenged me to show up in a variety of ways and made it clear that there are practices I must commit to in order to endure and thrive in life. With this, I don’t know if I will ever be “healed”. I DO know that with my practices and changes for my lifestyle, I might not experience particular hip pain again, or might not spin off into an anorexic or binge eating bout, but I might have similar feelings. A big change in my life might occur, and I could be pushed to the brink where ruminating thoughts push in. I could injure myself and find myself in some pain once more. These things will likely happen again. For me, it's less about healing, and more about keeping myself in check and knowing that I have specific supports and practices in place to help prevent, but then also reinforce me when things get hard.
Cultivating and working to surrender and accept, then allowing myself to begin again gives me the space to grow, and for me growth is a kind of healing.