Does it matter?

I was recently listening to a podcast that I love (shout to Glennon Doyle's We Can do Hard Things) and it mentioned how "nothing matters, but everything matters".  This is something that has been stuck in my brain on repeat and there are two ways that it sort of gets me wound up:

1- that I could say heck with it all and just crawl into bed and get stay stuck in the places I am, stagnant in my life and just scrape by bare minimum because "nothing matters".  But I also love this because I can find freedom in it.  I can look at things and give myself the grace and space to be messy and make mistakes because it doesn’t matter.  

2- big picture it might not matter, but in this little section of life, this little corner of the world that I am a part of, everything matters.  Every breath I take that expands, every moment I spend with my son, every second I hesitate to take that leap of faith, or every time I say yes when I wanted to say No, or vice versa- it all adds up to this, this corner I am touching, and this life that only I am living.  

I constantly struggle between am I making a difference, am I living how I want to and how I am meant to, or can I just squeeze by.  And I think there's something so nuanced about being on both sides of the fence. I can spin my wheels, and take responsibility for that, but also know that I am not on the hook for saving the world with one action or non action.  Re centering my focus towards what is in my control, and what I can contribute to what I believe matters.

 This dichotomy reminds me of another balancing act I get caught up in: Being grateful for what I have, but also wanting more.  Striving to have that gratitude but also let my drive for more come into play. And I feel this in my body and in my movement practice too.  Sometimes it feels like, "gosh does it really matter if I do this workout or mobility work", or if I skip this week what will the repercussions be, will there be repercussions? This internal dialogue goes every and any which way.  And what I have learned over time, over dieting and not dieting, living and not living to my fullest potential, is that it all adds up and it all matters if you choose for it to.  So recently I have CHOSEN myself.  I have chosen to look deeper, strive for more, but also chosen to stop and take inventory of what I currently have.  Take notice and appreciate where I am and how I got here, but allow myself to want more.  I am choosing to see how it all matters, but at the same time hold the struggle and understanding of how it might not.  And know that some days I am going to have it more “put together” than others. 

There certainly are days that I feel like the drops in the bucket are not enough, but I am learning to persevere and still know that they can add up.  And I have seen this in my physical body.  I have a great consistency for doing my workouts, and movement, and over time have noticed how it has shaped me.  How my body is less reactive in pain, how I have more resilience with my movement after a sleepless night, how I can recover quickly from a hard workout, or how I can push myself when I want to.  

 And as I begin to understand how it might not matter, it might not change the big picture,  I have become inspired to do more! Because really, if I mess up, then yes I should keep myself accountable for that, but otherwise that is it.  I am here, and doing my best.